I Feel So Much

I feel hard,
fly hard and fall hard.

A rainbow is the full range of colours as much as my mind is the full range of emotions. My feelings are not flat, I am capable of intense emotions. They are what drives me as well as what leaves me paralyzed. When I’m happy the room gets bright when I’m sad it seems like the world is ending. Being an emphatic and emotional being is as much a gift as it is a curse. I feel hard, fly hard and fall hard.

Controlling your emotions and taking care of yourself sounds so easy in theory: Keep the good energy and get rid of the bad one. Stick to people who make you happy and keep away from the ones who put you down and make you cry. But of course, the reality isn’t as easy as those pictures with wise words some people post on their social media.

Recently, I often feel tired, suffer from a lack of motivation. It’s like somebody must have stolen my rainbow. In those moments I force myself to do things I like to charge my energy. I dress up in something that makes me feel pretty, cook good food, go for a walk and feel the sun on my skin, take a bath or dance. It doesn’t work well very often, I’m honest. I gave up counting the times when I put nicely arranged food untouched in the fridge and when I started to cry again just after finishing my makeup. Sometimes I just stare at my walls for hours or go back to bed. I tell myself it’s fine, that self-care sometimes means to allow yourself to fail, to stop pushing and allow yourself to be not your best you every now and then.

In those moments I wish, there was somebody next to me who would take my hand and give me a hug. Very often this doesn’t hapen and it can be really hard. You need to be happy on your own and be independent, people tell me. Yes of course, but it drives me crazy having so much to give and wanting so much to share. There are not many things that make me as low as loneliness and the inability to give.

I give a lot and see it as a precious gift. If I love somebody, they receive a lot of care and attention. I’d go to the end of the world for them. When they tell me they’re not well, I have my jacket in my hand before I end the call to go to them and support them. This is who I am and I don’t want to change, even if it has negative effects on myself sometimes: Some people misuse my attitude and steal my energy, leaving me to feel vulnerable and empty. Too often I forget to draw boundaries and continue to give, following the wrong hope that my giving will make other people happy and therefor me in the end.

Then I sit on my bathroom floor listening to sad songs, staring at the walls. In those moments I fail to understand why I have this big knot in my stomach that I can’t solve easily. The only faint hope at the sky is the stubborn thought that one day somebody might appear in my life who might appreciate my attitude. Please come fast, I need you…

My Outfit
Dress: CeliaB, Hat: Mama Tierra, Bag: Amorphose, Shoes: Zilian,
Bracelet: Moschino, Earrrings: Bijou Brigitte

Pictures: Nora Dal Cero
This post contains sponsored products.