A lot of people around me seem to live in their comfort zone: They go home to their family every day, have a (more or less) safe job and their schedule is fixed for months. Not me! Let me give you an insight into the world of a crazy female single creative.
Not having a comfort zone means to only follow yourself. It means that the only person who holds you back is yourself and that you learn to throw yourself at the world, knowing that nobody was waiting for you. It’s always you who has to get in touch with others. And yes: If you look like me your first task is to show them that you are actually not the freak you look like.
Yes I dress up, yes I do show too much skin, I wear too much makeup and dance through the park like a crazy fairy, and? Don’t ask why, change perspective and ask why not! I also live in a tidy house, love cleaning and cooking and I treat the people I love with respect and care.
Again and again I build up my energy, spend it all out there. I become this shining light that attracts people. They tell me that they feel my energy radiating. So do I, causing a stir of excitement and glow. It’s my strongest weapon, this sweet tingling dizziness inside of me and I use it generously.
Then I go home, it’s dark there and emptiness creeps in. I feel lost and in need of a hug, a comfort zone. But there is nothing like that, nobody promising me a simple life. I get up and push my borders again. I think in the last two years I evolved a lot, forced by the loss of important people in my life and stability. Forcing
I feel weird in what I am and frightened of the new me I encounter. I don’t want to be just an ordinary girl at the same time as I wish I was and then I find myself very ordinary, living that Sex & the City life (just the city part). Sometimes I lay on the rug in my floor, almost not believing that things I didn’t dare to dream of came true, sometimes I cry in my bathroom feeling all lonely and miserable. I’m still far from embracing my dark spots, far from loving myself as much as I want the world to love me, but I keep going. It’s the only way, ahead!
Pictures: Philipp Mueller
