Regarding pictures, I strive for perfection and take care of every detail. It takes a lot of effort to create a perfect image, but still, it’s nothing compared to the energy required to become a better version of yourself. This is what I love to do: To create wonderful, inspiring and surprising pictures.
Recently I realised that I am further from perfection as a person than I thought. I felt that I made a lot of progress in the last three years, being more independent and on my own more than ever, but still: I’m standing in front of a huge mountain to climb. Sometimes it’s very frustrating and overwhelming. I constantly try to work on myself, but right now, it seems there is so much about myself that I wish I could improve.
As a kid, I thought I’d be supposed to know all the answers at my current age. Now I feel like I know not even the basics for many questions after 30+ years on this earth. Too often, I say the wrong things. I stay quiet because I feel helpless or hide from decisions I should make. I don’t treat people the way they deserve and don’t understand their feelings all the time. I can be too selfish, illogical, not constructive, too needy, and too greedy for attention. Too clingy, too sentimental, too silly, I sometimes lack depth or humour. I feel heavy for myself and others. I’m too much or not enough of so many other things.
When I think about those things, I sometimes doubt myself to the naked bones and feel like I’m not doing well at being a woman, a lover, a friend, a creative or anything at all. I roll my eyes about myself and wonder how you all manage. If you face an equal amount of doubts and challenges and if you share my exhaustion about improvement and a feeling of getting nowhere.
I really became good at analysing why I act the way I do – mostly because my past is pulling my strings. It’s sometimes challenging not to become the puppet of your past. I often push it away very consciously. I also discover things I consider flaws that have never been an issue before. It’s a neverending process. Maybe this is what life is about, not getting famous, rich or reaching goals, but working on yourself. Dear people out there, please be patient with me, with each other, with your beloved ones, and with everybody around you. I guess we’re all equally lost sometimes.
Dress: Vivetta, Shoes: Dollskill, Bow: Vintage
Male Model: Photörhead
Pictures: Tanja Gschwandl
