Don’t be fooled, this is one of my most colourful rainbow outfits, yes, but that doesn’t mean I am the happiest girl in the world. My world just crashed and no rainbow in the world can hide that.
Time for truth talk: I’m ashamed to say, but I am not well at the moment. When I started this blog I told myself I would never talk about truly personal topics, now I’m just fed up with keeping up the facade. The world needs more honesty, more people who behave like they are humans and not cyborgs and don’t hide their emotions. I’ve decided to show you my not-happy face.
There are those mornings when I stand in front of my wardrobe with tears in my eyes while I choose my outfit and well, right now they happen er…every morning. Should I dress like I feel, like a black ugly void is eating me up? Shall I stop brushing my hair and wait till the pink washes out and leaves a pitiful mousy brown-blond? There is nothing that fits my current mood in my wardrobe at all. Not because I didn’t expect to be ever sad in my life, but because it’s simply not me. So here I am, wearing all my clutter, crying while my jewellery rattles and my pleats play with the wind.
You don’t stop being you no matter if you are happy, grumpy, totally heartbroken or very lost.
This year, I was busy building a marvellous dream castle made of clouds and believed with all my heart it was real. I had a lot of happy times in my life, but I never felt like this, like every day was a fairytale. Suddenly out of the nowhere something truly terrible happened: Puff, the bubble burst and I have to cope (or rather trying to cope) with it.
I don’t do very well: I don’t eat, I can’t sleep and all the things that used to make me happy seem suddenly stale while I indulge myself in sad music. Tears run down my cheeks without control and no matter where I am. Cold darkness grows in my heart, quite an irony for such a colourful girl, isn’t it?
Love and excitement have always been the biggest sources of my bubbly energy and I think that’s what people find fascinating about me. I have so, so, so much of them to give I sometimes feel like I could feed the world with my energy, but now I am just sad and empty. I struggle a lot, to be honest, can’t cope with being rejected and can’t accept that the bright vision of a future I saw in front of me was just mocking me and left me in the dark. I was ready to take my chance for happiness with all the good and bad sides, ready to fight without compromises and that’s why it hurts like hell.
People look at me and think I must be happy, go to a festival every weekend and have an amazing life, because that’s how I look. Don’t judge a book by its cover, you have no idea what’s happening inside.
I know I have to be kind to myself and stop the unhealthy coping mechanisms. Step one is to admit that I am not well, step two is to find more self-love. I need to have more patience with myself, it’s ok to feel bad until I wake up one day and start the day with a smile. That day will come, no matter how long it takes. Until then I don’t want to wear black or beige.
My Outfit
Skirt: Kitty Joseph, Bodysuit: L.O.M., Shoes: Sophia Webster, Sunglasses: Le Specs,
Bracelet: Tauta, Earrings: L.O.M.
Pictures: Marco Borromeo
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