A smile doesn’t always mean that I am happy. It can just have the purpose to not make you worry or even hide sadness or disappointment. Just because I might be sad doesn’t mean I want you to feel the same. Feelings are contagious, so therefore I try to rather spread smiles than misery.
The time alone at home made me think a lot about where I am and what I want, especially when it comes to any kind of relationships from love to friendship and the ones I’ve chosen to be my family. And the result: I am very lucky to have the best friends I could have dreamed of, but love, oh love! Well, I think with my bad luck in love I should win the lottery to restore at least some kind of balance.
So my problem is: I don’t want to be an option, don’t want to be a choice, but priority. Is it asked too much to be on top of somebody list? I am so tired of feeling like the exotic animal in the zoo everybody likes to visit for entertainment and to get a glimpse into another world. Then they go back to their own like they’ve watched a movie. I hear the sentence “I never met somebody like you” all the time and wish it meant more than me feeding somebody’s curiosity.
I am tired of people coming very close for a moment, making me feel something and then walking away, without an explanation or at least an information. Tired of discovering I’ve been deleted from Facebook (this is so immature by the way) after only giving realness and kindness in very generous amounts.
What I can blame myself for is that I believe in people’s good intentions until they prove me otherwise. An attitude that still feels right in my heart, but that got it broken several times, always feeling like it might be beyond repair. I feel like I have to brace myself, look closer and detect harmful behaviour, narcissism, egoism and meanness right from the beginning. I don’t want to lose my trust in the good but give back myself wholeness; therefore, more carefulness might be required.
Growing older means having more dark and vulnerable spots. I’m not an empty sheet anymore, a lot of naiveness is gone, and there is damage, some just on the surface, some that go deeper. I feel like a cup that has been used a lot over the years. A pretty good cup that can make people smile and has its purpose, but not fresh from the manufacturer. It has already seen a lot of different flavours of tea, and some of them left their marks on the white porcelain. I still hope this cup will one day find a home that is full of love and not just a name on the door of a pretty place. If you already found yours, please take good care of it, because it is one of the most precious things you can ever have.
My Outfit
Coat, Skirt and Jumper: Coster Copenhagen, Shoes: Buffalo, Hat: Jacqueline Loekito,
Sunglasses: Anna Karin Karlsson bought at Götte Optik,
Bag: Grafea, Earrings: Swarovski (old)
Pictures: Marco Borromeo
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