Oh so Free

Freedom, that exciting yet frightening feeling. The thrill of doing what you like without compromising and the fear that there is nobody catching you if you fall. All those contradictions mixed up into a cocktail of emotions and experiences, yes this is it: Freedom!

I feel all of it in a row. During the last months, I often cursed this state of freedom, but (teeth-gnashingly) I have to admit, that I enjoyed it as well. Maybe more than I will ever be willing to admit. Freedom is as much a state of mind as well as the circumstance of independence. It doesn’t mean to be reckless or irresponsible, but it means to be presented with a huge variety of choices. Good and bad, exciting and boring, safe and risky. Oh it can be so overwhelming and all the responsibility for your actions is yours, nobody there to blame.

What do you choose if you are the only one judging you, and does the ultimate freedom mean to stop judging yourself but embracing yourself? Freedom, that mental feeling of a rough and wild wind on your face and your hair all a mess. Laughing uncontrolled without worrying how you look and that it might come across vulgar, coming home late eating popcorn sitting on the floor with mascara on your cheeks. Yes, this is how freedom tastes.

I do love it; I do hate it. One minute I want to be saved from it, the next, I realise I am all but helpless and in need of a hero but capable of being free and be me on my own. So I make choices others wouldn’t dare, pushing myself further and further surprised that dreams I didn’t dare to dream while I was busy having nightmares come true. Freedom is where the comfort zone isn’t; I enjoy dancing on the fence, yet I long to rest my head on your shoulders too…