When strangers meet, sometimes a person, you didn’t know before becomes everything within a few months. How was life before? The memories seem faint. But there is no happy end to many stories, and often people fade just as fast as they appear. They become pale like Victorian ghosts, and all that lasts is a picture of a memory, a version of a person that might not even exist any longer.
How does your voice sound when you are excited? How do you smell when I hug you, and how does your precious skin feel? What is the exact spot, size and colour of your birthmark, and what buttons did the shirt you were wearing the day we first kissed have? I try to grab my nails into those memories and keep them alive, force them to stay. But the white frog spreads in my mind and slowly takes away the clarity and intensity of my beloved memories. It makes me sad, and It frightens me, but I can’t stop it, like quicksand.
I never wanted to let you go, and I don’t want my memories to fade just a shade. But I can’t even beg you to please don’t become a ghost, a stranger. All I have left is you haunting my dreams and thoughts instead of being a part of my world. What happened to the bright future vision that could have been ahead? When did you just become an image in my head?
I became good at fixing hurt in the last two years – or at least I thought so; I swallowed my pain and tried to heal as much as possible until the next blow came. And oh dear, there was blow after blow. What you can’t see in my pictures: Just before they were taken, my heart was shattered to pieces. Not like before, but in a final way. I was cast away from the dream I wanted to live with all its pleasures and horrors. I cried all night, went to the hairdresser and continued to cry while she put cheerful colour on my head. Afterwards, I sat on the train with tears rolling down my cheeks.
As a professional, I didn’t want to cancel the planned shooting. When I know one thing about myself, it’s that no matter what happened, I can perform in front of the camera. A switch in my head turns everything else off as soon as I hear that familiar clicking sound. So I did perform. Eventually, grieve might fade just like happiness and love, but I know I will always see sad beauty in those pictures. Can you feel it too?
My outfit
Dress: Maroni Vintage, Earrings: Tukadu, Belt: Alaïa bought at Reawake,
Hat: Tauta, Shoes: Moma, Clutch: Vintage
Pictures: Photorhead
Styling: Greta Schoop & Me
