A smile doesn’t always mean that I am happy. It can just have the purpose to not make you worry or even hide sadness or disappointment. Just because I might be sad doesn’t mean I want you to feel the same. Feelings are contagious, so therefore I try to rather spread smiles than misery.

The time alone at home made me think a lot about where I am and what I want, especially when it comes to any kind of relationships from love to friendship and the ones I’ve chosen to be my family. And the result: I am very lucky to have the best friends I could have dreamed of, but love, oh love! Well, I think with my bad luck in love I should win the lottery to restore at least some kind of balance.

So my problem is: I don’t want to be an option, don’t want to be a choice, but priority. Is it asked too much to be on top of somebody list? I am so tired of feeling like the exotic animal in the zoo everybody likes to visit for entertainment and to get a glimpse into another world. Then they go back to their own like they’ve watched a movie. I hear the sentence “I never met somebody like you” all the time and wish it meant more than me feeding somebody’s curiosity.

I am tired of people coming very close for a moment, making me feel something and then walking away, without an explanation or at least an information. Tired of discovering I’ve been deleted from Facebook (this is so immature by the way) after only giving realness and kindness in very generous amounts.

What I can blame myself for is that I believe in people’s good intentions until they prove me otherwise. An attitude that still feels right in my heart, but that got it broken several times, always feeling like it might be beyond repair. I feel like I have to brace myself, look closer and detect harmful behaviour, narcissism, egoism and meanness right from the beginning. I don’t want to lose my trust in the good but give back myself wholeness; therefore, more carefulness might be required.

Growing older means having more dark and vulnerable spots. I’m not an empty sheet anymore, a lot of naiveness is gone, and there is damage, some just on the surface, some that go deeper. I feel like a cup that has been used a lot over the years. A pretty good cup that can make people smile and has its purpose, but not fresh from the manufacturer. It has already seen a lot of different flavours of tea, and some of them left their marks on the white porcelain. I still hope this cup will one day find a home that is full of love and not just a name on the door of a pretty place. If you already found yours, please take good care of it, because it is one of the most precious things you can ever have.

My Outfit
Coat, Skirt and Jumper: Coster Copenhagen, Shoes: Buffalo, Hat: Jacqueline Loekito,
Sunglasses: Anna Karin Karlsson bought at Götte Optik,
Bag: Grafea, Earrings: Swarovski (old)

Pictures: Marco Borromeo
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I feel hard,
fly hard and fall hard.

A rainbow is the full range of colours as much as my mind is the full range of emotions. My feelings are not flat, I am capable of intense emotions. They are what drives me as well as what leaves me paralyzed. When I’m happy the room gets bright when I’m sad it seems like the world is ending. Being an emphatic and emotional being is as much a gift as it is a curse. I feel hard, fly hard and fall hard.

Controlling your emotions and taking care of yourself sounds so easy in theory: Keep the good energy and get rid of the bad one. Stick to people who make you happy and keep away from the ones who put you down and make you cry. But of course, the reality isn’t as easy as those pictures with wise words some people post on their social media.

Recently, I often feel tired, suffer from a lack of motivation. It’s like somebody must have stolen my rainbow. In those moments I force myself to do things I like to charge my energy. I dress up in something that makes me feel pretty, cook good food, go for a walk and feel the sun on my skin, take a bath or dance. It doesn’t work well very often, I’m honest. I gave up counting the times when I put nicely arranged food untouched in the fridge and when I started to cry again just after finishing my makeup. Sometimes I just stare at my walls for hours or go back to bed. I tell myself it’s fine, that self-care sometimes means to allow yourself to fail, to stop pushing and allow yourself to be not your best you every now and then.

In those moments I wish, there was somebody next to me who would take my hand and give me a hug. Very often this doesn’t hapen and it can be really hard. You need to be happy on your own and be independent, people tell me. Yes of course, but it drives me crazy having so much to give and wanting so much to share. There are not many things that make me as low as loneliness and the inability to give.

I give a lot and see it as a precious gift. If I love somebody, they receive a lot of care and attention. I’d go to the end of the world for them. When they tell me they’re not well, I have my jacket in my hand before I end the call to go to them and support them. This is who I am and I don’t want to change, even if it has negative effects on myself sometimes: Some people misuse my attitude and steal my energy, leaving me to feel vulnerable and empty. Too often I forget to draw boundaries and continue to give, following the wrong hope that my giving will make other people happy and therefor me in the end.

Then I sit on my bathroom floor listening to sad songs, staring at the walls. In those moments I fail to understand why I have this big knot in my stomach that I can’t solve easily. The only faint hope at the sky is the stubborn thought that one day somebody might appear in my life who might appreciate my attitude. Please come fast, I need you…

My Outfit
Dress: CeliaB, Hat: Mama Tierra, Bag: Amorphose, Shoes: Zilian,
Bracelet: Moschino, Earrrings: Bijou Brigitte

Pictures: Nora Dal Cero
This post contains sponsored products.